Mornings are awful. They should be banned. They should be eradicated. They should become extinct.
They say that there are morning people, but I am starting to doubt that that classification actually exists. I cannot imagine anyone who pops out of bed all bright and shiny in the morning, smiles as they hop up, cheerfully eats something for breakfast that actually takes concentration (as in eggs, pancakes, oatmeal), and starts their day with gusto.
I am the person that thrives in the nighttime, the person that never wants to go to bed. The person that just wouldn’t go to bed if it was up to them (but it isn’t). Mornings are one of the Devil’s most agonizing forms of mental pain.
And now, I shall proceed to tell you why I hate them so much.
Reason #1: Wake-Up Call
You are lying in your bed, wrapped in your blankets, perhaps dreaming peacefully…and then the wake-up call. For me, it is not an alarm clock. It never has been. For me, it is my most-of-the-time awesome mother yelling down the basement stairs for me to get my butt up and start school. All other times, she is amazing, but at this point in my day, all I can think about is how I wish she would go crawl in a hole. But I resolve to get up, leading me to…
Reason #2: The Second Wake-Up Call
I always mean to get up! I really do! But somehow I always manage to a. fall back asleep, or b. delay getting up long enough for my mother to have to call down the stairs again for me to get my lazy butt up and start my school. So I get to the next part of my epic quest against my evil foe, the morning…
Reason #3: Getting Out Of Bed
My bed is so soft. My blankets are so warm. I always have managed to start some impressive rabbit trail of thoughts that is amazing and that I know I will forget as soon as I roll out of bed. But I must. So, thinking that it will make me want to get up, I throw the blankets off of my small, shivering body. Ugh. Always a bad idea. As soon as that happens, all I want to do is go back to sleep…but I brace myself. And I sit up. And I scoot to the edge of the bed. And I put my cold, bare feet on the cold, bare floor. And…drumroll, please…I stand up! Aren’t you so proud of me?
Reason #4: Crawling Up The Stairs
I am homeschooled, therefore I do not have to pull myself into freezing clothes as soon as I get up. I will throw my blue plaid, polka dot, or red fuzzy pajama pants on, and maybe a sweater (green, brown, purple, or green and blue striped). Then, I step off of the not-so-cold laminate floor of my room and onto the frigid, unfinished cement floor that supports the rest of the basement. At this point, my feet are screaming at me. But I drag my fat, zombie self across the floor and to the unfinished wood stairs. Usually, I take 2 or 3 steps at a time, but in the morning it is all I can do to stumble up one after one after one. And then…
Reason #5: Presenting Myself
I drag myself up the stairs and dramatically throw open the door.
“Hi, Jada!” says my mother. “How did you sleep?”
“Unhg. Mery g’ud.” I mumble.
I plod to the bathroom and pull the door shut. Unfortunately, before I grab the hairbrush and flop onto the toilet, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look like a creature that would crawl through your window and kill you in your sleep. Then I multi-task! I brush my hair as I go to the bathroom. Yay for me! And I drag myself out of the bathroom. Which leads me to…
Reason #6: Breakfast
I actually like breakfast. But it would be better if it wasn’t in the morning. All I feel like doing is falling face-first into my cereal and drowning in the milk. But I don’t. I stuff my face and then curl up on the couch, hoping to look camouflaged against the piles of laundry. But my mother notices me, and tells me to start my school.
Reason #7: Second Breakfast
Just joking. I don’t actually get second breakfast, because I’m not a Hobbit, which is yet another reason I don’t like mornings.
Reason #8: Transitioning
Transitioning from couch to table is very difficult, and children the smaller watching the Aristocats in the living room does not help in the least bit.
Reason #9: School
It would be great if it didn’t involve math, cold kitchen chairs, and focusing my brain. About the cold kitchen chairs, though: those are the worst! They are freezing! Really, really cold! And the worst part is that they take forever to warm up, so all you can do is sit there shivering and unsuccessfully trying to focus on both my math and my freezing bum at the same time.
Reason #10: Getting Dressed
This is the last part of my morning proper. My father always gripes at me for not changing out of my underlayers before putting pants on, but cold denim right against your skin really bites. A pair of leggings is a wonderful mediator. My clothes get so cold that sometimes I’m actually tempted to pick my outfit before I go to sleep and keep it in bed with me so it’s nice and toasty when I wake up. But I never do, and it’s always cold.
So there you have it! The end of my daily torture session. And if you actually are a morning person, I would LOVE to hear about your life, perhaps to help me understand how you even live.